| Petticoats, cruise ships and other craziness |
[Sep. 24th, 2005|10:10 pm] |
hello all~
i'm back from the land of the LOST (and not just the TV show that Paul and I spent the last week catching up on). i've been busy and not only because Paul and i GOT ENGAGED! Yep that's right. Broken hearts everywhere ;)
Anyway, i found a dress today after not any searching at all, and in fact, it is FABULOUS. And Paul, if you are reading this, i'm going to tell you what it looks like. Stop asking! And i am now the owner of a massive petticoat that would have made Laura Ingalls Wilder proud, and also a bra-type thing with enough hooks and clasps to make me the life of the next S and M ball.
and so i am happy that that portion of the planning is over and done with and i can move on to trying to plan a wedding on a beach in Mexico like Paul and i want, and not having to sell our first-born to pay for it. Did you know they still test for HIV and Syphilis in Mexico? Even for Americans? I could see the Mexican government thinking "Hey, we won't test the Americans and they can pass it amongst themselves." No offense to the Mexican government or those of Mexican descent. i'm just saying. it could work.
What i hate the most about this wedding nonsense is that we fight more. Or disagree more. or at least one of us (always me), ends up in tears about something. i'm being pulled between the love of my life and my family and it bites.
Wow. Here i am complaining because i finally found Mr. Perfect and i can't marry him fast enough. i suck.
anyway, my wish for all of you tonight, and myself is this: look at your partner if you have one, kiss them slowly and remember why you fell in love. and isn't that all that matters?
"we'll be alright, as long as you stay, with me."
.....emma |
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| Nursing my nursing wounds |
[Aug. 30th, 2005|03:00 pm] |
hello all~
It's been a rough couple of a weeks at the hospital. This summer,the census (number of patients in the unit) has been up and down and down and up, leaving us all to wonder WHAT exactly we are walking into every morning. Some days I do not feel challenged at all, but rather like a waitress and the dirt beneath my patients'e feet. And some days I feel like I am really doing some good as I run around and try to save these people's lives, whether or not they have earned it.
Yesterday was the former. I got chewed out by a patient for no reason, but simple because she was hungry and decided that I was an easy target for her rage. She's what we call a "frequent flier", meaning that she bounces from hospital to hospital until one of them won't take her anymore because she doesn't take care of herself. And then she gets pissed off and leaves AMA (against medical advice....a lovely term meaning that if you walk out the door AMA, we don't have to treat you anymore. You could be lying in the ER front doors bleeding to death and we can turn you away). Not that I'm bitter or anything.
I think that I'm just tired. Last week I finally had the first "true" ICU patient I have had in weeks, meaning on a ventilator with IV fluids running to keep her heart pumping and continuous dialysis. And she died. I think that it would have happened no matter what I did, but I still can't help but feel so bad about it. Especially since her family was so frickin' nice to me. I finally got to use my brain and my skills and not feel so frickin' useless in that department as I sit and watch my ass grow bigger because I keep sitting on it. And she died. Despite my efforts, despite my quick response, despite the fifteen minutes I spent doing compressions on her myself. She still died.
It's just that whenever I feel like I've got this job down and I feel comfortable torturing new nursing students and making them look everything up....I fail. I suppose that those of you that believe in a higher power, as I do, will tell me that it doesn't matter what I did or did not do, that it was just her time. But I can't help but wonder if I could have done something different.
And I can't help but wonder if I should have chosen a different path.
But then there are the good days. The ones that everything comes together and you do everything "right" and the patients get better. Those are the days worth pressing on for.
Until next time just call me "nurse"....emma. |
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| Pigtails and other dramas |
[Aug. 18th, 2005|12:59 pm] |
Do we really have to grow up?
Do you ever really reach a point in your life when you stop caring what your parents think, and just live your own life?
Will I ever stop feeling like I'm a disappointment no matter what I do?
And when will I stop caring?
...emma |
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| Friendships lost |
[Aug. 13th, 2005|04:39 pm] |
Hello all~
Sorry for the lack of communication...Paul Bratter has taken a lot of my time...that and my physics class which I thankfully finished on Wednesday!!!
I have been contemplating friendships lately, especially as one of mine is falling apart. It seems to me that more time that I spend with Paul and more I fall in love with him, the more I expect out of my friends and friendships. I suppose that I finally realized that there ARE good people out there, and I mean GOOD people, and I've just been surrounding myself with BAD people for the last twenty-something years.
Until I met Paul, I'm sad to admit that I didn't expect a lot out of my friendships sometimes, and in fact I usually gave more than I got. And I hated that. Emphasize the HATE. Why is it ok for someone to say that they are sorry for being a bad friend over the past five-plus years, and that is supposed to make it all better?
I'm tired of being a better friend to people that they are to me. And I'm tired of thinking that it's ok. It's not ok. I have finally learned that I should expect more out of a partner. Why should I not expect the same out of my friends?
My challenge for you this week is this: be a better friend to someone than you have in the past. Fix the things that are broken. Forgive someone and move on, but also, learn to cut out the bad and embrace the good is this world.
...emma
**Paul, you are by far the BEST thing I have ever encountered in this world. I thank you everyday for your love.** |
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| Birthdays, Aging and Cake |
[Jul. 22nd, 2005|12:06 pm] |
Hello all~
I'm sorry for the hiatus but I've been busy with work and school and life with Paul Bratter (the code name for my honey...if you don't get the reference, you don't watch enough old movies).
I've been thinking a lot over the last couple of days about getting older. We've had a lot of patients that have been married for fifty-plus years, and the stories they tell about their lives are amazing to me. I can't wait to have lived that long. This leads to me contemplating what I'm going to do one year from now and two and five and fifteen and fifty. And I don't have a f-ing clue at this point. But I suppose that's ok. Part of the destination is the journey, right?
I turn twenty-something this weekend and I must say that I'm actually looking forward to it. I LOVE birthdays, especially mine, and the prospect of getting out with my friends and dancing the night away has me so excited that I'm counting the hours and tapping my foot impatiently....
And also realizing that I don't necessarily want to get any older. I'm actually, for the first time in a LONG time, happy with my life. I finally have somewhat of a plan (very important with type A-er's like me), someone to share with, and a little cash to get us there. What more do I really need?
I suppose I must cut this rambling to an end, especially since I don't seem to be making any great insights here today. But I leave you with this: looking back in twenty years, are you going to be happy with the decisions you made? Are you living the life you thought you would? Are you going to be proud of the person that you have become?
wanting to stay forever young....emma. |
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| Sugar High and other ramblings |
[Jul. 3rd, 2005|03:02 pm] |
hello all~
Sorry for the hiatus. I've been on a vacation of sorts with the BF (who I'm still trying to come up with an appropriate fake name for....any suggestions?).
We spent our vacation doing....nothing. Eating candy and watching movies and shopping and just being together. I forgot how much fun that is. Just being with the person that you love and not having to go and DO anything. We sat by the pool and talked while we baked in the sun. We made lasagna together. And don't get me started on the PDA .....
I know that we're still in the honeymoon phase, but I feel sometimes like we're already in a rut. So it was nice to get out there and do some things together. And it was even more nice to stay at home and just be together.
I've got to keep this short because time is quickly passing me by. But I put this out to all of you with significant others. Take some time to just enjoy one another. Be together. Eat some candy. And remember why you fell in love in the first place.
Accidentally in love....emma |
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| Physics, vectors and my worst nightmare |
[Jun. 16th, 2005|05:24 pm] |
Hello all~
So I'm taking a physics class because I have to in order to apply to medical school. While I like sciences (i mean duh, i'm a nurse), I do not enjoy physics. Having aced it in high school, i thought some tiny piece of that would have retained over the years. But alas, I have remember nothing and I am now stuck in this class for the rest of the summer and hating it.
Here is one reason: my professor is German, his teaching assistant is Indian and his PhD candidate is British. No one be offended, I'm just stating the facts. All of them have strong accents that require you to concentrate even more on what is being taught and I sometimes think that the professor is really teaching in Greek. Smart people are very often horrible teachers. I have experience with this, believe me.
This is my rant about the class: vectors. What does drawing arrows in different directions have to do with me going to medical school? Is that really going to help me pass the MCAT's? I mean truly is someone's life going to be saved or not saved because I drew the damn arrow the wrong way?
Ok enough ranting for now. Sorry this is so short, but I've got to get back to figuring out angles, and that whole cos/sin/tan thing.
Until next time....emma |
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| Reflections on life |
[Jun. 13th, 2005|10:02 am] |
Hey world, there you are. Sorry for the lack of posts. Buy me a computer!
I just got home from Camp TLC, where I go every year as a camp nurse for children with spina bifida. For those of you not medically trained, spina bifida is a birth defect that happens in the first MONTH of pregnancy and the children are born with their spines on the outside. While there are varying degrees of the disease, it is still pretty dramatic and most of these children are paralyzed from the waist down.
Needless to say, it is a great week, and it makes you realize how lucky you really have it. The children that attend this camp are some of the funniest, sweetest and most patient souls I have ever met. They are quick to show you how their routines work, and because of their frequent hospitalizations, they are very calm and comfortable with adults. I love going to this camp because it really gets me through the year.
Anyway just wanted to drop a quick line and remind everyone out to be grateful for the things in life that you have and take for granted everyday: the ability to walk, run, dance and live life without a wheelchair. These children never cease to amaze me with their abilities to worm right into my heart and stay there. Right now I'm sitting and typing and missing my boys so much it hurts.
So here I go, to walk out the door and drive off in my car. But always, always thankful for the life I have been given. Life doesn't seem so hard today..... |
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| My first post |
[May. 30th, 2005|11:12 am] |
Hello all, friends of mine, that will hopefully be reading this post. I am just getting back into the writing thing after a brief two year hiatus. So be kind as I am a little rusty. And hello to all of you out there that have no idea who I am. Welcome. I hope that you don't fall asleep.
I have been very reflective the past few days about life and love and all that good stuff, and I think perhaps it is because I am at a huge crossroads in my life. I am a nurse in an Intensive Care Unit (ICU) and I am going to medical school in two years. Yep, that's right. For all of you nurses out there, I am crossing over to the Dark Side. I know, I know! I'm sorry! But it is something that I have long thought about and pondered over and now is the time in my life that I need to just do it.
That being said, I am scared s*$&less right now. It does not help that only a precious few people in my life think that I can do it. This is a HUGE step, and I'm not going to see the end of this until a decade from now. There are more days that I think I can do it than the other way around, but even last night I could not sleep for thinking about the possibilities. What if I fail? What will people say? How will I feel?
Then I realized that everyone feels this way on the precipice of something huge. And so I leave you with a quote, one that is going to be burned into my brain and my heart for the next decade:
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." -Ambrose Redmoon
Thanks for reading!
~~emma |
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